Humor

Piano Makes Mice Smarter, Study Shows

Two scientists at the Dutch Institute of Late Afternoon Research announced what may be a major breakthrough in how we understand the brain, at least the mouse kind. Drs. Hans Doonderpans and Jan der Ooverdere claim that mice living in pianos become smarter.

"They run the mazes faster, they react better to sounds, and they always pick the lowfat dressing instead of ranch," claims Dr. Doonderpans.

"And they can always solve the Jumble, that crazy mixed-up word game," added Dr. der Ooverdere.

The researchers are unsure just what about the pianos causes this change. "Of course, we think it's the music, but it also could just be having all that nice felt to munch on," said Dr. D.

"Yes! It's tasty and full of fiber!" added Dr. der O. "Or...or so I've heard."

Does this imply anything about the effect of the piano on humans?

"I'm not sure," pondered Doonderpans. "People living in pianos? It doesn't seem practical..." His face lit up. "We could build a really BIG piano...!"

"I smell RESEARCH GRANT!" chimed in his colleague.

(4/97)

You may have been raised in a good home and know to always use the outside fork. But that didn't prepare you for the realities of eating on the road. Here are some tips for dining at a convenience store:

• Always carry a spare T-shirt and sneakers in the glove compartment (no shirt, no shoes, no service!)
• Always put the ice in your Big Gulp before filling it; if you put the ice in last, you risk splashing the person next to you
• Try mixing Diet Coke with Cherry Coke or Diet Seven-up---yummy!
• Mustard before relish but after catsup
• If you spill food on a magazine, you should probably buy it (the magazine)
• Never lick the relish spoon
• In consideration for the cashier, do not start eating until after you have received your change
• On your way out, always pick up one of the free papers to put in your lap while eating
• Always eat in your car; never eat while leaning over the garbage can
• The left hand is for steering; the right hand is for holding the hot dog and shifting gears; the thighs are for holding the Big Gulp (10/95)

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People sometimes make fun of my big belly and "bad" posture. (It's people like this who said that Picasso couldn't draw.) But I can move when I have to. At our chapter meetings, I'm always first to the snack table, and I pity the fool who gets in my way.

But maybe you're like me, and want a body that doesn't necessarily look like Stallone's but gets the job done. Here's how.

• Don't lie in bed all day. Get up, and sit on a piano bench all day.
• Choose a program and stick to it. Tell yourself, "I am going to eat six donuts and drink four cups of coffee every day."
• Don't continually slouch forward while tuning. Sometimes slouch to the right, and then to the left.
• Squint a lot while you tune. This gives your face character.
• Choose a car that's not quite big enough for you to sit upright.
• Buy pants that are way too big for you. Wear suspenders.
• At the convenience store, always get the large size bag of chips. It's a much better value.

If you follow these rules faithfully, you should have the classic "tuner profile" in no time. (5/95)

I never have liked to ask a customer for a tool, even a screwdriver. So I've always come to the house with every tool I could possibly think of. And I got a cellular phone because I didn't like asking the customer if I could use her phone. But I always had to ask to use the bathroom. Until now.

I can hear my reader saying to himself, "He brings a porta-potty into the house with him?! Disgusting!" Quite the opposite. My Tuner's Throne eliminates all embarrassing smells, sights, and sounds.

First I say to the customer, "Thanks, but I won't be using your bench. I brought my own." I wheel in the Throne, which looks a lot like a standard black bench. Then I sit down and pull up the rubber skirt, attaching it around my waist. Inside the skirt, I quietly pull down my pants. Then I'm ready to do as God intended.

Inside, there's a carbon filter for the smell, acoustical foam for the noise, and kitty litter for the product. You can warm the seat, or turn on magic fingers. There's even a little tube that comes out to clean your privates with warm water. If you're interested in the details, visit the Valley Hi Piano Supply web site. The Throne sells for $449.95.

The Tuner's Throne hasn't interfered with my work at all. If anything, I'm more relaxed and do better work. But if you use one, I wouldn't recommend standing up quickly. (3/97)