“You could give them the Paris Opera and in two weeks they’d turn it into a Tiajuana donkey bar.”
“We’re platonic friends — we’re both into young boys.”
“You bought a Prius? From now on, your Mafia nickname will be Bandwagon.”
“I think I ate everything that wasn’t a potato.”
“He’s a cat and he’s my friend. He’s not my CAT FRIEND.”
“Bitter + in denial = bitter pants.”
“I woke up this morning with thirty new Facebook friends and no idea how they got there.”
“Waiter, waitress. Butter, buttress. Matter, mattress.”
“ I drive a Prius. I’m destroying the planet slower than you are.”
“That reminds me of the time I was in a knife fight in an open grave.”
“Musical theatre — isn’t that kinda gay?” “No — it’s EXTREMELY gay.”
“My Hummer is so safe, I can’t WAIT to get into an accident.”
“Ogling older women is an improper use of the Internet.”