You can use the Christmas Scoop to block out the sun’s deadly ultraviolet rays. (the paper version that is... actually, right now your monitor is probably bathing your face in deadly rays.)

Cantaloupes are an excellent source of melon balls.

The British have converted all their cars from gas to petrol.

SHANDA TO THE GOYIM 2007

Joe Leiberman

IS MARK A REAL MAN?

YES
Likes to break things
Owns a table saw
Loves Wrigley Field
No fashion sense
Rolls through stop signs
Pees standing up
Uses Gorilla Glue
Thinks Scarlett Johansen is hot

NO
Never watches sports on TV
Lets Jennifer control the remote
iPod full of Broadway cast albums
Never goes on roof
No Christmas lights
Little or no chest hair
Thinks Nina Totenberg is hot

HOW WE MAKE THE CHRISTMAS SCOOP

Concept developed in our Menlo Park offices
Safety tested in our spacious Des Moines, IA warehouse
Beta version put before focus groups in Sacramento, CA.
Introduced at the Christmas Newsletter Trade Show in Chicago, IL
Printed at our factory in Singapore
All to provide you with the best newsletter possible!

MULTIPLE CHOICE

1. You missed our Christmas party because
a) of your lazy, incompetent mail carrier
b) you were on a two-week bender
c) a virus erased all your emails
d) you were too busy playing Halo 3

2. Man’s greatest achievement?
a) chocolate
b) underwear
c) chocolate underwear

3. Mark would rather
a) teach piano
b) scoop out his eyes with melon ballers and feed them to raccoons

4. I will put the pedal to the metal when:
a) the rubber hits the road
b) the shit hits the fan
c) push comes to shove

5. Next year’s Christmas Scoop will be
a) written on papyrus with a reed pen
b) painted in fresco on the ceiling of our villa
c) etched in wax on wooden panels
d) typed by a team of super-intelligent chimps
e) downloaded on iTunes
f) dropped from helicopters
g) CSI: Christmas Newsletter
h) High School Musical 3: Christmas Scoop ON ICE!